Me: “Where is your favorite place to ‘just be’?”

Emily: “Does it have to be specific?”

Me: “No.”

Emily: “Hmmmm… the beach. On the beach.”

Me: “What do you feel when you stand at the shoreline of the ocean?”

Emily: (Looks at her phone.) “I have to find it. Equanimity. It means mental calmness and composure.”

Me: “Where did you find that?”

Emily: “Pinterest, of course. I stumbled upon it.”

Me: “Best day of dirt therapy?”

Emily: “I have a terrible memory. Ummm… I think your Mother’s Day trip to Silver Falls?”

Me: “You mean Soda Falls?”

Emily: “Is that the name of it?”

Me: “Yes. Soda Falls at Cascadia State Park.”

Emily: “I have another one that comes to mind but I can’t tell you the name of it. It was like on… somewhere on the pass (Santiam Pass). Jake took me. It was really pretty though. There was a forested trail and there was an open clearing with plants that were knee high. There was a lot of wildflowers and a boardwalk that went though the field.”

Me: “Why those ones?”

Emily: “I think its the only other place, besides the beach, where I felt that calmness.”

Me: “Can you describe that calmness?”

Emily: “I feel like my brain is so all over the place with the things I feel and the things I feel from other people. It’s just a relief. You know, its like a moment in time where I don’t feel overwhelmed.”

Me: “What happens to your body when that calm is present?”

Emily: “I feel lighter. I’m not carrying the world on my shoulders. I smile a lot more.”

Me: “Religion or Spirituality?”

Emily: “Spirituality. Want me to explain?”

Me: “Sure.”

Emily: “I think religion is a box and to be a religious person you have to fit in that box and I feel spirituality is everything outside of that box. I think it’s freeing and liberating. I don’t have to go to church to feel hopeful or faithful. Spirituality is finding something that makes you feel whole. I’m sure people feel whole when they go to church, but I personally feel whole when I’m near moving water.”

Me: “Is that what connects you to the outdoors?”

Emily: “I think so. Every place I have ever enjoyed hiking has had moving water. I feel a connection because, like with the ocean, it’s controlled chaos. It continues to make waves, it sustains life, and at the same time it’s disastrous. It’s something that will be here long after we are all gone. Before there was land, there was always water. I feel that connection with that controlled chaos.”

Me: “When did you know you wanted to be a chef?”

Emily: “I think I always knew I liked cooking but I didn’t know I wanted to be a chef until I was actually in culinary school. I didn’t realize how much of a distraction food could be. It brought me comfort working with my hands all the time. Using my senses. Being able to focus on the task without feeling overwhelmed because of the next thing I had to do. There’s only so much of cooking that is in your control. I can’t force something to cook faster than it actually is supposed to. I can’t make my ingredients any fresher than they come to me. I can control the environment that I cook in. You just make due with what you have an make something great out of it.”

Me: “Kind of like life, huh?”

Emily: “Yeah.”

Me: “What do you love about food?”

Emily: “The comfort it brings people. It creates culture and brings people together. Of all the things that take us apart, its comforting knowing that you can make something that everyone enjoys.”

Me: “Is food your love language?”

Emily: (Laughs). “I don’t know. I think food is the way to everyone’s heart.”

Me: “Next tattoo?”

Emily: “Ummm… My next big one will be the beach waves on my forearm. In color.”

Me: “Whiskey or Vodka?”

Emily: “Vodka.”

Me: “1985 T-Top Trans Am or 2018 Chevy Silverado?”

Emily: “Oh geez… I don’t know. I’m not a car person, I don’t know. Do I have to pick one?”

Me: “Yes!”

Emily: “The first one?”

Me: (I have failed as a parent.)

Me: What is the best advice you have ever been given?

Emily: “Live like your life depends on it. Because it does.”

Me: “So it’s not ‘Remember the Alamo’?

Emily: “Well, not anymore. ‘Remember the Alamo’ doesn’t really connect with me on a spiritual level anymore”.

Me: “I don’t know how I feel about that.”

Me: “Favorite place to camp?”

Emily: “It doesn’t have a name. Jake and I camped in the back of his truck by a little creek off of some logging road. We didn’t camp in a tent. We aired up an air mattress and put it in the back of his truck.”

Me: “Who is Jake to you?”

Emily: “That is my lifeline.”

Me: “Care to elaborate?”

Emily: “He… … … …I’m not good with words… He’s the only person I’ve ever been comfortable talking about my mental illness with. And it’s because, from the start, he’s always understood that he can’t fix it, nor does he want to. He understands that it’s something that is a part of me and I’ll probably live with the rest of my life. And instead of seeing that darkness within me, he sees the good that comes from it. He keeps me alive.”

Me: “Why do I not have grandchildren yet?”

Emily: (Laughs). “Is that a legitimate question? I have other goals in life before I decide to bring kiddos into the world. I’d like to buy a house first. I’d like to be a little more stable… mentally, financially. …and you haven’t reached 40 yet.”

Me: “This is true. But I am close.”

Me: “What would you like for me to know about you?”

Emily: “I feel like you know everything.”

Me: “What would you want the world to know about you?”

Emily: “I may cry a lot but I’m one tough a** b****.”

Me: “That, you are.”

Me: “What do you hope people will take away from this website and blog?”

Emily: “We may be family, but we all struggle with pain in very different ways. That I’m just trying to survive. I’m trying to take each day as an opportunity to live and do something that is good for me. And if that means I have to force myself to go out and cry while hiking a mountain, or sit silent on the beach, that’s how I survive. If they (the readers) need to jump into a lake or climb a cliff or just sit in the back yard picking daisies, then that’s what they should do.”

Me: “We should do this more often. I could probably learn a lot more from you.”

Emily: “You should write in a disclaimer that says a lot of this only makes sense in my brain so if they don’t understand this, that would be why.”

Me: “I’m sure a lot of people can relate to what you are saying.”

Emily: “Even if one person does, that would make me happy.”

Peace, love and dirt, y’all.

~Misty