Okay guys, we’re about to get real. Buckle up, things are gonna be personal.

I’ve had anxiety and depression for around half my life now. Finding help for these things was always a struggle. It seems like many people wanted to brush it off as something I would grow out of or something that would go away once I reached a new stage in life.

Spoiler Alert, it didn’t work out that way.

But how do you even deal with a teenage girl who says she sad and worried all the time?

You let her play in the mud.

Dr. Beth Laurenson was the beginning to this adventure I’m currently in the midst of. Right now, I’m on a little journey to discover myself without the cloud of mental illness that seems to seep into every corner of my life. What does a Morgan Taylor look like without the constant worry that she didn’t ask the server for ketchup politely enough, or the fear that everyone secretly thinks her laugh sounds weird? That sounds a little cheesy doesn’t it? But it’s true. I wanna know who I am without all the extra stuff. And when I asked the doctor what my first step should be? “Go put your hands in the dirt.”

Dirt Therapy.

Until my recent chapter of self discovery, hiking was just something I got sucked into doing, and camping was fun until I got cold and my hair started feeling gross, but now it’s my lifeline. It’s a very personal experience for me. Hiking is my happy place, where I can get sweaty and muddy, and feel nothing but pure accomplishment when I see the summit of my mountain slowing coming towards me. And feel so not sorry for how I feel when I finally reach the top and get to scream off the top of the mountain. There are no rules when you climb a mountain. Well, pick up your trash and don’t disturb the wildlife, but other than that, the world is yours. On an empty beach with nothing but my dog and the waves? Run wild and tromp in the waves. Scream and do cartwheels. Who’s gonna care? The fish? Social anxiety isn’t real when the only thing to socialize with is a rock. I believe the way I feel when I’m getting Dirt Therapy is who I am without the extra stuff.

How do I even explain this without sounding cliche? When I’m hiking, or on the beach, or swimming in the lake I feel nothing but love. I feel like I’m getting a giant hug from the world around me. I’m not religious, but it’s what I imagine church is like for people. It’s hard for me to be sad when I feel like the trees are happy to see me, and I am so, so happy to see them. There’s nothing better in my world than finding peace with my dog next to me. I feel so wanted when I’m in floating in the middle of the lake. So accepted when I’m running the beach, totally breathless.

Super cliché, right?

But when you struggle to find a way to love yourself you have to find another way get by. My self love is immersing myself in the world around me, because even if I don’t love myself, I love my world, and my world made me. I try to tell myself that every time I’m on a good hike. This is the world that made me, and sustains me. These are the trees that keep me breathing, the plants that feed me, and the land that gives me room to grow and be the best me I can be. I can’t disappoint this whole world that’s pushing me to thrive.

So for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, let the world love you. Let the world nurture you. Right now you are a sprout, and every sprout needs plenty of sunshine and water. Get some Dirt Therapy and let yourself bloom.

Morgan

Photo: Iron Mountain Summit, Iron Mountain Trail, Willamette National Forest, Oregon